Keep Your Eyes Open
by elijahwalker
Summary: Emily has always been Alison's favorite, but now she's becoming Paige's favorite too. Unfortunately for Paige, that wasn't part of the agreement. It wasn't part of Ali's plan. (F/F, set after Grave New World.)
1. Intro

**Author's Note: This is just an introduction to a new story I'm working on, which takes place after the episode "Grave New World." If I receive a good response about the intro, then I'll start posting longer chapters. This is set in Emily's point of view. Hope you all like it.**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the characters or settings from Pretty Little Liars.**

"Keep Your Eyes Open"

Three weeks have passed since our encounter with Alison. Three weeks, but it feels like three centuries. Why hasn't she tried to contact us again? What is she so afraid of? Why did she stay hidden for so long while I was left to grieve and mourn the loss of not only my best friend but my first lover too? I have so many questions, but I can't even find Alison in order to uncover the answers.

My phone chimes loudly, ripping me from my train of thought. One unread text message, from Paige. "Meet me on the second floor of the parking garage on 135th St. at 11 p.m. I have a surprise for you," the text reads.

I smile as big of a smile as I'm able to muster as I type a response. "I'll be there. I love you."

I feel bad, because I have spent so much time worrying about Ali recently and so little time nurturing my relationship with Paige. Still, she always thinks of sweet ways to cheer me up or surprise me. I make a promise to myself to make it up to her in some way tonight as I curl up in bed and start to doze off for a quick nap.

* * *

When I woke up a few hours later, I felt even more emotionally drained than I had before falling asleep. I can never remember my dreams, but I'm almost certain that this one had something to do with Alison. She always takes so much out of me, even in my dreams. But I miss her. I need her.

I look at the clock and let out a sigh. It's almost time to meet Paige, and for a second, I think about texting her to say I can't make it. I know better, though. Our relationship is so fragile these days that bailing on her might leave me with no relationship at all. So I pull on a hoodie—one that Ali had given me years ago—and head out the door. The drive there is quiet, but my thoughts are loud, like always. I drive up into the parking garage and pull into the second floor. Paige's car isn't here, so I hop out of my own car and decide to wait…until I notice the person at the other end of the garage. The person wearing a red coat.

Suddenly, I stop thinking and my body starts moving. Feet, running. Heart, pounding. Head, shaking. The person in the red coat doesn't turn around until I stop, just a few feet away from her. I kneel over, hands on my knees, gasping for breath. I feel like the universe is sucking all of the breathable air out of this parking garage and replacing it with thick, heavy air that I can barely pull into my lungs. I feel lightheaded. I feel like I'm dreaming…I feel…like I'm looking straight into the eyes of the first love of my life.

Alison.

Her smile, the one that has haunted me since she first disappeared years ago, is a mere three feet from my own face.

"I've missed you the most," she says. In a way, it sounds like she's rehearsed this over and over again.

I rehearsed what I would say in this situation too, but I've forgotten all of my lines. I have forgotten everything.


	2. Chapter One

Author's Note: I'm glad a few of you liked the intro chapter. It's been a while since I've written fan fiction, so I'm trying very hard to stay true to the characters but they might stray a bit here and there. Please let me know how I'm doing with this story! Also, check out my profile where I talk about the book that I'll be publishing in January. If you like my writing, you might be interested in reading it as well. :)

Chapter One

"I hope you don't mind," Ali says. I'm still speechless. "I borrowed Paige's phone to text you earlier."

"Wait, Paige knows you're alive? Where is she?" I ask, looking around for my girlfriend. We're the only ones here. Other than the pounding in my ears and the low hum of the fluorescent lights, we are surrounded by silence.

Alison smiles and shakes her head. "Don't worry about Paige, sweetie. She's not who you think she is."

What is she talking about? Paige is my girlfriend. I love her. We've been together for months, now. Of course I know who she is. Unless…no. No. I will not let Ali get in my head again. I will not allow her to get under my skin, to manipulate me.

"Get in your car, Em. I need you to drive me somewhere," she orders. Just like old times. She starts to walk toward my car, but I stay exactly where I've been standing.

"No," I say, more loudly and forceful than I thought was possible. "You know who's not who I thought she was? You, Ali. I thought you were dead. I thought you were rotting in a casket somewhere. I needed you…and you lied to me. You made me believe you were gone when you were here all along."

"Don't talk about things you don't understand, Em," she says, but this is not at all like old times. There is no warning tone in her voice. She's soft with me. Cautious, not threatening. "But look, I'm not proud of what I've done. You know what I am proud of? I'm proud of you. I'm proud that you're standing up to me for the first time. It looks like all of those years away from me gave you a backbone, and I'm glad. You deserve to be strong and be your own person. I need you to be that, for me. I know that you want answers, Emily. I know that you expect me to have all of them, but I don't. If you trust me, I will tell you what I know. But you have to keep this a secret. We can't trust everyone that you think we can. You can't tell the other girls that I'm talking to you. I have to stay hidden. Can you do that for me?"

Silence. For a moment, I've forgotten that I'm supposed to answer her questions. For a moment, I feel like this is another dream about Ali, like the ones that have haunted me since that Labor Day weekend years ago. For a moment, I forget that the first lips I ever kissed are right in front of me. And then, I remember. I clear my throat, blink away tears, and look directly into the eyes that are begging me. "Okay. I'll keep this between us. Your secret is safe with me."

"No, Em. You don't understand," she says. "I am the secret."

I sigh and start walking. When I reach my car, I look behind me to see if she's followed. "Well? Are you coming or what?"

I get in the driver's seat and a few moments later, she accompanies me in the seat next to mine. "I'll take you anywhere you want to go, Ali. Just do me one favor," I say, refusing to look at her.

"What's that?" she asks. I feel her eyes on me.

"Please, just…take off that damn coat. I'm tired of seeing red everywhere I go."

I hear her smile and the rustle of clothing as she takes the red coat off and tosses it into the backseat. "There," she says. "Now let's drive. To the river."

I start driving and open my mouth to speak, but Alison interrupts.

"Now, I know you have thousands of questions," she tells me. Out of the corner of my eye, I see that she's looking out the window, as if she's afraid to look at me. "But I need to tell you what's on my mind. And then if you still have questions, I'll try to do my best to answer them. You deserve that much, and more."

I let out another sigh and tell her to go on. This isn't happening fast enough. I need answers. I need apologies. I need to understand this, all of it.

"Something bad happened, that Labor Day weekend. Cece Drake did something terrible, something unforgiveable, and framed me for it. I can't tell you what it was. It's not safe for you to know details just yet. But believe me, Em, it was bad. I know I did some pretty mean things when we were younger, but this…this was a catalyst for all of the chaos that you've all experienced since I left." There is something in her voice that I've never heard from her before. Remorse. Still, she doesn't offer an apology. I know she's sorry but she hasn't said it for herself yet.

"You didn't just leave, Ali. You disappeared. You vanished. I waited for you for a _year_ until they found that body. I know Aria went to Iceland and Hanna started getting popular and Spencer focused on school. But I stayed up every night, waiting by the phone. I hung flyers, I joined search parties, I cried out for you every day. I needed you." I look down at my hands, clenching the steering wheel so tightly that my knuckles are turning ghostly white. I loosen the grip with my left hand and drop my right onto my lap. "You left me when I needed you the most."

"Look, Emily. I…I can't change any of that. But I'm here now. We can pick up where we left off," she says, taking my hand into hers.

I feel like I'm holding hands with a corpse. A ghost. A body that has been invaded by worms and insects after rotting away underground for years. I shudder, but she doesn't let go of my hand. And then I take my eyes off of the road for just a second in order to look over at her. She's smiling timidly, eyes filled with tears. She's just as scared as I am.

This is no ghost or dead body. This is Alison. But not the Alison that I knew. No, this is the Alison that crawled from her own shallow grave after being buried alive, only to disappear in order to protect someone. Whether it was to protect herself or us or her family, I do not know. What I do know is this: This is Alison, and she needs me.

We drive in silence for a while until we reach the river. The water is much higher than it used to be. There's a rock down by the bank that Ali and I used to go to when we were alone, and she follows me there now. It's almost humorous how our roles have reversed. I'm in the lead. I'm in charge. I call the shots. Alison used to be the one who could blackmail any of us at any time, but now the truth is, I have more on her than she'll ever have on me. I could ruin her, and she knows it. But what we also know is that I would never do anything to hurt her. And that is the difference in Alison and me.

As we sit down on the rock, Ali holds my hand again. I start to feel guilty. Is this wrong? Am I cheating on Paige? Ali is just a friend, right?

Almost as if she's reading my mind, Ali clears her throat and says, "You're not cheating on Paige, Em. Not by holding my hand. Not even if you kissed me. The truth is, Paige is the cheater."

I look at her, horrified by what she's saying. Has my girlfriend been cheating on me without my knowledge?

"She's not cheating on you, though, Emily. She's cheating the rules. She's cheating me out of what she promised me."

I drop Ali's hand. "What are you talking about, Alison? Paige hated you and you bullied her before you disappeared."

Ali scoffs at this. The moonlight keeps her face as bright and clear as day, but everything else around us seems dark. "Is that what she told you? Paige and I had an agreement. Ever since I disappeared, she was supposed to be watching over you. She was supposed to keep you safe."

Slowly, I ask the question that I don't want the answer to. "What are you saying right now, Ali?"

"What I'm saying is," she says quietly, "Paige has known since the beginning that I was alive. It's a dangerous world out there, Em. It's like we're in a war with…well, I can't explain all of that right now. People have been trying to hurt you and the others since I disappeared. And I care about you too much to let that happen. I asked Paige to keep an eye out for you. She was never supposed to fall in love with you, Emily. She was keeping you safe until I could come home for you."

And just like that, my life is broken.


	3. Chapter Two

Chapter Two

I could easily pretend that Ali is lying to me like she did so many times during our younger years, and go on about my life with my girlfriend. I could pretend that Paige is the love of my life and that I have no doubts about our relationship. I could pretend that Alison and I never spoke again and that she has stayed hidden from me just like she's been hiding from the other girls. But the truth is, although I know I will have to pretend that all of these things are true when I'm around Aria, Hanna, and Spencer, I also know that I could never truly believe them to be true myself.

"So Paige has been lying to me for the entire length of our relationship?" I ask Alison after sitting in silence for quite a while.

"In her defense," Alison begins, "I asked her to lie. There would have been devastating consequences for all of us if she had let you in on our little secret."

"This isn't a _little secret_, Ali," I argue. At some point, she had taken my hand in hers again, but I let it go as I feel myself growing more frustrated with the situation. "You were alive for years and we thought you were dead."

"Okay, what about the Witness Protection Program? Would you blame any of those witnesses if they wanted to keep their former identities a secret from the people they loved? It protects everyone. I'm like one of those witnesses, but without the formality. I need you to trust me, Em. You are all I've got."

I look up at the stars and the bright, full moon. I refuse to look into her eyes. "Why me? Why not the others? Why don't you trust Aria? She's the best at keeping secrets."

Alison laughs at my questions. "You're right. Aria is the best at keeping secrets. Have you ever thought about what kind of secrets she's keeping from the rest of you?"

I refuse to acknowledge her implications. I can't lose faith in both Paige and Aria in one night. "Answer my question. Why are you choosing to talk to me right now? Out of everyone else in the world you could talk to. Why me?"

"Because, I…Em. Please, look at me," she says. Her voice is begging me. I can't help but look at her and lock eyes for one of the first times since we met this evening. There are tears in her eyes and sincerity in her voice. "I chose to talk to you because you have always been my favorite. You are still my favorite."

I open my mouth to speak as tears fill my own eyes, but without warning, Ali leans over and kisses me. It is a kiss of apologies, of honesty, and of pleading. It is a kiss of want. Two years' worth of want and desire and missing one another. I can't even stop myself from kissing her back, because this is Ali. I have wanted to kiss her again and again since that day in the library. And even though I have a girlfriend, even though I should be the one to stop this, it is Ali who pulls away from me rather than the other way around. Alison sighs as she separates her lips from my own. She smiles at me with the tiniest smile.

"I need to go now, Em," she says. And suddenly, I feel the breath being sucked out of me again. I don't want her to go. I can't let her go. She cannot leave me again. What if it's another three weeks, or worse, _two years_ before I see her again? Forget the fact that I just kissed her even though I have a girlfriend. Forget the fact that she just rocked my world with secrets that had been kept from me for way too long. Forget the fact that this is Alison, the girl who manipulated and abused me through my youth. She can't leave.

"You can't," I say.

But she doesn't listen to me. Instead, she grabs my hand and squeezes it before kissing my cheek and walking off into the woods, away from me, away from my aching heart, away from our perfect moment. 

It's the next morning and I'm chugging my second coffee from the Brew before school. I didn't sleep at all throughout the night. In fact, I swam laps in the pool instead. I swam one lap for each minute that I had spent pining over Alison over the past two years. Maybe that's an exaggeration, but I literally swam more last night than I ever have before in one go. I'm just glad that today is only a half day at school and that we start Thanksgiving break as soon as our last class is over.

I promised Paige I would pick her up for school, but I'm wondering if I could think of a reason to skip out on her. Do I really want to see her or talk to her or think about her after the night that I had with Ali? Of course not. But part of me wonders if she'll bring up the subject herself. I want to know what she'll tell me without actually having to spill Ali's secret myself.

So I drive as quickly as I can to pick Paige up, and I try not to cringe as she gives me a good morning kiss. "Why do you look so tired, babe?" she asks. I cringe again. It's going to be very difficult to avoid showing disgust at every sign of affection that she offers me.

"I stayed up late swimming last night," I say, trying to force a smile. It's not that I dislike Paige or that I'm any less in love with her today than I was yesterday. I just feel disappointed that she would lie to me.

And I'm also a bad liar, but I don't think she's bright enough to catch on.

"Why didn't you call me?" she asks, still smiling. "I would have loved to join you. And it would have been nice to see you in the showers afterward…" She lets her hand travel up my thigh, but I grab it and give it a squeeze, hoping that she'll stop.

I fake another smile. "I just wanted to make sure you would be well rested. I know you have that big test this morning and I didn't want you to be up too late. Maybe we'll have a swimming date sometime soon?"

She nods in agreement, but I want to tell her not to count on it. I don't jump into the water with people I can't trust.


	4. Chapter Three

**Author's Note: Thanks everyone for the great support I've received so far. I think this goes without saying, but I would really appreciate more reviews, follows, etc. Otherwise I feel like I'm just writing for myself, and there's no need to share this online with others. If you have any suggestions for how I can improve my writing or this story, then please feel free to let me know. :)**

**Trigger Warning: Mentions of self-harm (cutting), which will be expanded in future chapters.**

Chapter Three

"Em?" a voice coming from behind me asks. It's apparent that the person has been trying to get my attention for at least several seconds, but I have been off in my own world of thoughts about Alison and that kiss and Paige…

"Sorry, Aria," I respond apologetically. I'm driving the girls to my house so we can spend the afternoon together and have a sleepover tonight. Aria and Hanna are in the backseat of the car; Spencer is sitting beside me in the passenger's seat. I wonder if Spence can smell the traces of Ali's perfume from last night, but I brush that thought away in order to pay better attention to Aria's question. "What were you saying?"

"I was asking," she begins slowly, "why would you have a red coat lying in the back seat of your car?"

I look in the rearview mirror and see Aria holding up Ali's red coat that she had discarded into the backseat at my request last night. Aria's face expresses suspicion and disgust. I am horrified but I try not to show it. Instead, I think of a quick response. "It's Paige's. She must have left it here this morning when I drove her to school."

I can tell that Aria is doubtful of what I have to say. I think back to what Alison said last night, about Aria's lack of trustworthiness, but instead of saying anything accusatory, Aria drops the jacket back into the seat beside her. "You should tell Paige that red is not a good color on her. All I can see is Ali when I see that jacket, and I'm sure Alison is not someone Paige would like to emulate."

* * *

As Hanna, Spencer, and Aria get lost in gossip and small talk, I get lost in my own thoughts and fears. Several times throughout the evening, the girls ask me what's bothering me. They ask if anything is going wrong with Paige. They ask if I've had a fight with my parents. They ask if I'm getting texts from A. I tell them absolutely nothing. Nothing is bothering me, I say. No texts from A, I say. And that last one is the truth. A hasn't bothered me at all since I met with Alison last night, which is worrisome. If Alison is so scared of A, and if A knows everything that we do, then why hasn't A started tormenting me again? Maybe A wants to see if I'll lead him to Ali. Or maybe he knows that the silence is killing me even worse than a few texts would. Or maybe, just maybe, Alison knows exactly how to stay off of A's radar. She has, after all, been in hiding for two years.

Just after midnight, Hanna is the last of my three friends to fall asleep, and as if on cue, I get a text from a blocked number. "Same place. Twenty minutes," it reads simply. I have to read it again and again before it occurs to me that Ali is telling me to meet her at the rock by the river in twenty minutes. I look hastily at my friends but don't hesitate to stand up and get dressed. I write a quick note on a scrap piece of paper, saying that I'm going for a walk with Paige, in case any of my friends wake up and wonder why I'm gone. I apply a fresh coat of lip gloss and freshen up with some perfume before heading out the door and tiptoeing down the stairs and out of my house without waking up a single soul.

On the ride over to the river, I think about what it would look like to be in a relationship with Ali. Right now, none of the cards are right. I'm with Paige, who's been working for Alison and lying to me for years. And Alison is in hiding. A wants to kill her, or me, or all of us. I don't even have her number, or email address—she just hijacks Paige's phone or texts me from a blocked number when she chooses to contact me. There is no way we could date or be in a serious relationship right now. But what if things change? Could we make it work? I know I've changed and grown stronger since Ali first disappeared. And I can tell that she's changed as well. But then again, she missed out on two years of her life. Two really important years. Did hiding out make her more mature or even less mature than before? Could we maneuver around the obstacles of dating despite the chaos that we've endured for the past two years?

Why am I even thinking about all of this? Alison would never want to date me. And if she did, I would have to carefully consider whether or not I'm willing to forgive her for everything she put me through, before her disappearance and after.

And maybe I have to forgive myself, as well. Ever since we saw Alison that night after we crashed the cemetery party in Ravenswood, I have been beating myself up for not trying harder to find her after she disappeared. I have cried myself to sleep and put distance between myself and those around me. I even cut myself once, thinking that I deserved the pain after letting Ali down. But nobody knows about that. Nobody has seen the cuts on my legs, and I would rather keep it that way. I make a promise to forgive myself soon, and maybe overcoming that will help me one day pursue a relationship with Alison. Maybe…

When I arrive at the river, I hurry down the path to our rock. Our rock. Mine and Ali's place. It feels nice to be able to think like that once again, without thinking about things in the past tense. When I get to the rock, I notice that Ali isn't here yet, so I stand here and wait, admiring the sound of water hitting rocks further down the river. Tonight is a little cloudier than last night, but I still see several dozen bright stars shining down on me.

I don't hear anyone walking up behind me, but I gasp as I feel a hand clamp around my upper arm. For a split second, I fear that A has found me and Alison, and that he's going to kill us both. But the hand turns me around and I feel the person lock their lips to my own.

And I know, without a doubt, that I am kissing Alison DiLaurentis.

I pull away for a second to ask her how she's doing, but she kisses me again before the words flow out of my mouth. She kisses me roughly, biting my lip and sucking on it, provoking a moan from deep in my throat. Alison pushes me down to sit on the rock and I slide my index fingers into the belt loops on her hips as she leans down to kiss me. She gently lays me down with my back against the cool rock and she settles herself on top of me, one leg between my own and her hands pinning mine above my head.

I have never, in all of my fantasies about Alison, thought that this would be possible. But it is. It is real. It is happening, to me, right now.

I feel her pull her lips from mine and I gasp for breath. She starts kissing my jaw and then moves to my neck, biting the flesh just below my ear. I moan again and try to force myself to speak up. "Ali, please. Slow down. Shouldn't we talk?"

Her mouth is directly next to my ear as she whispers. "I've been so lonely for the past two years, Em. I've wanted to do this since the night that I disappeared. Last night was about talking, about answers. Tonight is about being as close to you as I possibly can." She flicks the tip of her tongue over my earlobe. Again, I moan uncontrollably.

"Alison. Please," I say again.

"What?" she hisses, but not in a threatening way. I can tell she's not being the same hostile person she would have been years ago. She just wants me. And I understand, because without a doubt, I want her too. But we can't. Not like this.

"We can't," I say, repeating my own thoughts out loud. "Not like this."

Ali sighs and stands up, taking my hand and pulling me up onto my feet beside her. "I'm sorry," she says. "You're with Paige and I should respect that. It's just that…before I went into hiding, I always got what I want. Hell, hiding was kind of what I wanted too. And now it's hard for me to admit that I want you and I can't have you."

I bite my lip before letting out everything that's on my mind. "No, Alison, you can have me. You will have me, one day. But you can't expect me to be okay with this situation, exactly how it is. You were missing for two years. I thought you were dead. Three weeks ago, you showed up and let me and the other girls know for the first time that you're alive but you're still hiding out because you're scared. Last night, you told me that my girlfriend is a liar, and you kissed me. And tonight you're trying to get me to have sex with you on a rock by the river after midnight, when our friends are asleep in my room and my parents don't know that I snuck out of the house. Before you went missing, you never respected my boundaries or what I wanted. Now, I'm telling you, you will get what you want eventually, but I'm going to get what I want too. I want more answers. I want to be able to end things with Paige without worrying about what she will do to one or both of us. I want to be able to hold your hand in public and tell everyone that I am dating the most beautiful girl in the world who makes _me_ feel like the most beautiful girl in the world. I want that. And I think I deserve it. I think you deserve it too."

Maybe the moonlight is fooling me, but I think I see tears in her eyes. She smiles sheepishly at me and changes the subject, but I know she appreciates every word that I've said. "I think we can probably meet here again tomorrow night, but after that, we should change our meeting place. I don't want to be careless and get caught. I'll have all kinds of answers for you tomorrow, Emily Fields. I promise."

And with that, she kisses me goodnight and heads off into the woods, leaving me with a smile on my face and her scent lingering in the air around me.


	5. Chapter Four

**Trigger Warning: As I stated in a previous chapter, Emily's self-harm will be expanded in detail. If you wish not to read about her cutting, skip the last four paragraphs of this chapter. If you decide to read it and it triggers you, please feel free to contact me to talk about it. I'm always here for anyone who needs me.**

Chapter Four

At some point throughout the night, my phone battery died. I don't worry too much about it as I drive home because I know that my friends are unlikely to wake up and notice that I'm gone. Paige is probably asleep and won't text me until she wakes up in the morning. And my mother is such a heavy sleeper that she has no clue that her precious daughter snuck out to visit a girl who is thought to be dead.

Like I said, I don't worry about being disconnected from my phone until I pull up in my driveway and notice that my bedroom light is on. That means that one or all of the girls are awake. That means that they know that I'm not in my room with them. That means that I'm busted—that Ali and I are busted-unless, of course, they believe my story about being out with Paige.

I quickly and quietly turn off my car and head into the house, tiptoeing again up the stairs and into my bedroom, trying to hide the expression of guilt from my face. Aria, Hanna, and Spencer are sitting side by side on my bed. Spencer's face is buried in her hands, Aria crosses her arms over her chest, and Hanna looks at me as if I have two heads.

"How could you lie to us?" Hanna says more loudly than I had hoped she would.

I quickly shut my bedroom door so that my mom won't hear the commotion from down the hall. I sigh and close my eyes, leaning back against the door and hoping that this is all a dream. I do not want to be having this conversation with these girls right now. They have been my best friends and team during Ali's entire disappearance, and I already feel bad enough for betraying their trust by not telling them about mine and Alison's nightly rendezvous. But if I tell them anything, I will feel like I'm betraying Alison. Alison, who is suddenly doing everything she can to be the perfect girl for me.

"I did not lie to you, Hanna. I was out with Paige. I left you a note," I say, hoping with everything that I have that they will believe me. I just want to go to sleep and dream sweet dreams about my time with Alison. I explain that my phone died as I start to plug the device up to the charger.

"Like hell you were with Paige," Hanna responds angrily. "I tried calling you to see when you'd be getting home, just in case we had to cover for you if your mom happened to wake up. But your phone was off, so I called Paige. She was _asleep_, Emily, and she said she hadn't spoken to you since school let out this afternoon. After everything we've been through, you think that a lie told through a lousy _note_ written on the back of your English homework is going to stop us from worrying about you when we wake up and you're missing? What the hell were you doing?"

Suddenly, I feel very small. I feel like I will let someone down no matter what I say. I feel like a failure to my friends, and, if I say one more word, I will feel like a failure to Alison. I am all that Alison's got, but these girls have been here for me when Ali never could be.

What am I doing? How have I gotten myself so twisted up in the lies and secrets? It's almost as if A has had his hand at all of this, without even saying a word or sending a text or a creepy package.

"Lay off, Han," Spencer says, tiredly coming to my defense. "We all have our secrets. Emily is home and safe now. Let's all just get back to sleep."

I smile and mouth my thanks to Spencer, but Aria pipes in with her own frustrations. "No, Spencer, Hanna is right. We trust each other with a lot of secrets. I think that goes without saying. It's time we start being more honest with each other. Where were you, Em?"

I close my eyes again and shake my head, trying to stop myself from saying the words that are about to spew out of my mouth. "I don't have to answer that question, Aria. I'm allowed to have secrets. God knows you have some of your own."

"No," Aria claims. "I don't keep secrets from _any_ of you."

Maybe Hanna and Spencer don't notice it, but I can tell by the fear in Aria's eyes that she is lying. She has secrets. Just like Alison told me.

And I have to know what they are.

But first, I have to get myself out of this situation. I need them to calm down so we can let this entire night pass without any more arguments. So I sit down on the bean bag chair in front of my bed, facing my friends. "Paige and I are having problems."

"Is it because of Ali?" Hanna asks. "Does Paige know that she's alive? What did you tell her?"

"I haven't told her anything about Ali," I say, which isn't a lie. "Paige has been keeping secrets from me for a long time now. I was meeting with someone tonight—an old friend of Paige's. She was giving me some information that I needed in order to figure out the truth. I'm sorry I lied to you guys. I guess I'm just embarrassed."

The girls look at each other, obviously feeling guilty for being so hard on me. I feel guilty for lying…but have I really lied at all? I just left out some of the (very important) truth. And I'm doing so to protect myself and Alison. There's nothing wrong with that, in my opinion.

Spencer reaches down and grabs my hand to give it a comforting squeeze. "There's no need to feel embarrassed. We've all been in a situation where our partner wasn't being completely honest, and I think all of us would do whatever it takes to figure out the truth in those situations."

"Thanks, Spence," I say with a smile. "Now, can we all just go back to sleep? I'd rather call it a night and just forget about all of this."

Everyone agrees, and we all get into our respective sleeping places. Within a few minutes, Aria and Spencer have fallen asleep. But I can tell from Hanna's movements that she is far from dreaming.

"Hey, Em?" I hear her whisper.

"What is it, Hanna?" I ask, hoping that she doesn't ask any more questions about where I've been or what I've been doing. I hope that she just wants to say good night. And I hope that we don't wake up the other girls.

"Is Ali alright?" she asks.

I wish that this was a dream itself. I wish I didn't have to have this conversation with my best friend. Hanna is genuinely concerned, for my wellbeing and Alison's. And the fact that she's asking this question means that she knows something is up—she probably knows I've been seeing Ali.

"I don't want to talk about this here, Han. Not right now," I say, hoping she'll get the hint and let me sleep. But she doesn't get the hint. Instead, I hear her stand up, and then feel her grab my hand and pull me to stand up beside her in the middle of my dark bedroom. She leads me into the bathroom down the hall, flips on the light, and closes the door behind us.

"Is Alison alright?" she repeats more firmly this time.

I hop onto the bathroom counter and look down at my hands. "I don't know, Hanna. I can't say much right now. I'm doing what I can to make it all okay, but please, just…don't ask any more questions, because I can't lie to you, but telling the truth will put people in danger."

Hanna takes a seat on the edge of the bathtub and bites her lip. "You mean it will put Alison in danger. Why can't you just tell me what's going on, Emily? We all want to keep Ali safe." Except for Aria, I think to myself, but I don't bother interrupting her with that little piece of information. "I don't understand why it has to be a big secret from us."

Tears start to gather in my eyes. "Believe me, I want to tell you what's going on. I just don't know how without hurting someone, or everyone."

"I was afraid this would happen," Hanna says shortly. She rolls her eyes and I feel her building a wall between us.

"You were afraid what would happen?"

"I was afraid it would go back to the way things were before Ali disappeared. You and Alison always had something special that the rest of us couldn't even compare to. She loved you more than the rest of us. And you cared for her in a way that none of us could understand. We're all happy she's alive, Em. We all deserve to spend time with her and figure out what this big mess is. But instead of contacting all of us, instead of sneaking around to see all of her friends in the middle of the night, she just cares about seeing you. And you keep it a secret from us, as if we're the ones who caused her to disappear in the first place."

Before I can speak to defend myself and Ali, Hanna continues angrily. "And by the way, you'd better start being more careful with this back-from-the-dead girlfriend of yours. I got a text from A saying that you were out with Ali tonight. That's how I knew something was up. You're just lucky I didn't tell the others."

And with that, Hanna storms out of the bathroom and back into my bedroom, where she pretends to be asleep so that we don't have to continue our conversation. I, on the other hand, stay in the bathroom, stripping my clothes off quickly, grabbing my razor, and stepping into the shower. As I turn on the cold water, the dam breaks and tears start gushing out of my eyes. I am so overwhelmed with feeling like a failure and a liar and a disappointment to my friends. I don't know how to keep my facts straight, or my lies from crossing paths. I don't know how to keep secrets from the people that matter the most to me.

Through all of the difficult things that my friends and I have experienced over the years, I've always remained healthy—physically and emotionally taking care of myself. But now, I don't feel like I deserve that at all. I don't deserve Alison because I can't keep her safe. I don't deserve my friends because I can't tell them the truth. I feel like I deserve to suffer, to cry, to bleed.

The water is so cold that goosebumps are forming on my skin, but I don't turn it off. Instead, I lower the razor to my right leg and make one quick movement across my skin, slicing the flesh as deep as the razor will allow. I wince and cry out, dropping the razor. I quickly cover my mouth with my hand so that no one can hear my cries. Within seconds, the water rushing down the drain of the bathtub is pink from my own blood. The fresh cut on my leg stands out against my tan skin and the pink scars from a few weeks ago.

Part of me knows that I should stop doing this to myself, but part of me also knows that that might not happen for a while. I am hurting in ways that my brain cannot explain. My brain can explain cuts and scars. It can explain bleeding. But it cannot explain this heartache.


End file.
